The Lost Boys

Late episode this week because we were too busy motorcycle racing with vampire Kiefer Sutherland...  

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Transcript

The SWAMP (00:00.312)
my god, here we are at the pier on the Ferris wheel or whatever other rides they have at the fucking Santa Monica Pier. I don't know. But here's a hot dog. I'm being so friendly. thank you so much. This is exactly what I wanted. look down. my god. That's my dick. And hey, what's up? I'm Kiefer Sutherland. And welcome to the swamp. Just kidding. My name is Dara. What's up, everyone? Thank you.

for being here, we're gonna talk about the Lost Boys this week, duh, if you didn't know. That was a bad bit I just tried to do because they have him eat Chinese food and they're like, it's worms and maggots because vampirism can make you twisty in the mind. The Lost Boys, 1987, happy pride everyone, we're Gay Vampires this month. This one, I would say, is hornier but less gay than what we did last time, which was Interview with the Vampire, which was less horny but actually gay-er.

Yes, okay, yeah, we have to figure out like a good sliding scale on this. Yeah, yeah, I feel like it's got to be like a four corner situation, like a plane. Absolutely. We're charting things on an X and Y axis. Yeah, that's a idea. Someone probably has done one. I'm sure. Of something. I actually, speaking of vampiric infographic charts, I was looking at, because the teeth, the vampire teeth in this movie really fucking bugged me because why are they the insizers?

Why are they the incisors? They need to be the canines. It should be. But so then I was like, am I trippin'? And I looked up an infograph of the different teeth in all vampire movies and like what they look like in Interview and what they look like in Buffy and what they look like in Twilight. every franchise does, you know, switch it up a little bit, but ultimately I think there is a way to do the sharp incisors, the ones right next to your front teeth and still have it look good. These ones were just too long.

So it was giving more like, I don't know. It looked Scooby Doo-ish. It really gave Scooby Doo to me. Right, corny, yeah, corny. Which I think that's entire movie did a little bit. I didn't hate it, especially I just, the day before this, I finally saw Sinners as well. Oh, wow. So I'm thinking to, like, I really loved the teeth design there. I don't know if you've seen, like, any of the actual photos of the props or the costume that they use. Yeah, prostenix, thank you.

The SWAMP (02:19.854)
They're so sick, because it's like the teeth like come in above their canines almost and push them out. It's fucking nasty. Love it. Yeah, cool as fuck. There's a lot of cool stuff you can do. Because yeah, when I was really getting into the teeth, looking at the teeth, there's a lot of cool shit you can do with like vampire teeth design. And this movie just didn't do that for me. think this movie didn't do a lot of things. Well, actually, I'm interested.

Wait, have we said the name of the show? It's a swamp. It's our podcast. It's an acronym. Stays for some wack ass movie podcasting. And I already said what we're going to talk about today. Gay Vampires, Lost Boys, Keith for Sutherland, 1987. Happy Pride everyone. Stay safe. This movie takes place in a fictional town called Santa Carla, but it's obviously just Santa Monica, Santa Cruz. No, yeah, it's Santa Cruz. They filmed it in Santa Cruz. Yes, yes. whole thing.

actual like Santa Cruz Pier. Yeah, I watched and the Santa Cruz. I watched this with someone who like grew up going to that pier and they were like, yo, what the fuck? Yeah, that's wild. But and so they just based it on that real town and Santa Cruz was known as the murder capital of the world for a while because there was a series of serial killers in the area, especially in the 70s. it was like this. It was like the 70s. But so at the 80s, it was very much that reputation.

That setting is like, he just plucked that and just called it Santa Carla. I'm like, you could have just called it Santa Cruz. really. I'm like, girl, she was already there. But it's this boardwalk kind of setting. This town is overrun by like alt teens and like alt culture kind of. punk. Yeah, punk vampires. And Michael. Michael! Michael! Michael.

Michael. Michael. That's, mean, okay. I would love to like plot all of the times in the movie. I would say it probably accounts for 12 minutes of screen time maybe where they're just saying the name Michael. It's a like little fun factoid. It's the most said word in the script and statistically it said more than once per minute. Jesus Christ. Michael.

The SWAMP (04:41.134)
was just saying Michael, who's calling him by his fucking whole ass name. He's not even, he's never Mike. No, not once. Mikey. I feel like maybe to his brother. To his brother, I feel like he was Mike, right? Maybe. I don't know. I couldn't, couldn't recall it because he too busy being called Michael. But Diane Weist, Diane Weist is recently divorced and is moving in with her kooky dad, who's the grandpa. obsessed with moved to his house.

He's really into taxidermy. He's playing dead on the porch. He's really providing some comic relief here. And brothers Sam and Michael, Michael is older. I think he's supposed to be in high school, but that's like obviously a 27 year old man. I'm like, I can suspend my disbelief that he's like maybe 18. Like she keeps being like, when you start school. And I'm like, what?

enrolling at community college. Like, what are we talking about? figure like, like, like 19 is a reasonable age to like clock in that. But, you know, he's an older teen for sure. And then his younger brother, Sam is like 15 or 16 or so. And think he's younger than that because they actively have him getting babysat. I feel like he's 13 or 14. I feel like he says at one point, though, he's like, I'm 15. I don't need a babysitter. No way. Because he's

He's going off on his own and going to the comic book store and stuff. I feel like he's supposed to be like, I don't know, a sophomore in high school. That's the energy I was getting. Like right before you would have your license, it's a movie, so that he's realistically probably supposed to be like what, nine? Okay, so he's 14. 14, okay. So Sam, 14, Michael, 18, let's say, brothers, they're new.

new school, but it's summertime, new area moving in. Grandpa's weird. We're getting used to the new social dynamic. We go to the pier immediately. Who are these spooky biker gang people? We need to investigate this. then, my God, the oiled up sexy sax man. That was a lot to jump right into. First of all, there was a lot going on there in general, but I think he was way too buff for me to buy any of this. I don't know.

The SWAMP (06:55.374)
unsettling how thick he was. Do you know what I mean? Oh, I found it very subtly. I loved it. What are you talking about? I was Tina Turner, a saxophone player, and they just got and he used to get oiled up like that. And he was Tina Turner's guy and they just got him for this movie. Now Now they were like, need to curate a vibe. They're like, yeah, there'd be music at the pier. Get that guy.

which I'm like loving that decision. No, I think Oiled Up Sexy Sax Man really sets the tone for this film. They're getting into the subculture though and Michael spots Star. He immediately is like, that's my girl. I'm going to chase after her. I'm going to literally just follow her and stalk her around. so she eventually, you know, they're chatting and he's like, get on my motorbike because he also conveniently has a bicycle. And then Kiefer Sutherland rolls up and it's like,

fuck no star, get your ass over here and she does and she submits and then he's like, we're gonna race. Michael's like, I can't race you and he's like, well, you just have to keep up. And so it's sort of like this weird gang initiation where then like they keep like doing dangerous shit and making Michael do it with them. Like they're hanging off the bridge.

riding really close to the edge, then they go to this abandoned hotel and they're like, you have to eat the worms, but really it's just Chinese food. Then you have to drink the blood. Drink the blood. And he's like, okay. And he just does it. And then Michael's now a vampire spawn. That's most insane thing to me about this movie is that this kid does not put any thought into any of the actions that he's going through with. He's just like, yeah, this I don't feel bad for him at all. No, not at don't feel bad for him for a second. And I'm like, you're little...

Brother Cory shouldn't have fucking helped you. He have killed your ass. The Frog brothers were right. He should have killed your ass. 110%. No, Michael is dumb as bricks. Okay, he got himself into this situation. He can get himself out. I feel, yeah, literally zero sympathy. Also, his actor was horrible. yeah, that guy, Jason Patrick, he's like a B-list.

The SWAMP (09:03.192)
kind of guy. He replaced Keanu Reeves in Speed 2, if that really checks for you. sense. Yeah. That's who he is. Absolutely. But yeah, he was like a pretty face, but I'm like, okay, what is this Rob Lowe fucking knockoff bullshit? Like, can't act and it's just kind of pretty, whatever. No, wasn't into that. Loved the rest of it though. Yeah, there was so much else going on. I couldn't get too-

hung up on it. I kind of did. That was a really hard. That's a really hard guy to have as your protagonist because I don't give a shit about him. don't care. I actually want him to die a little bit. Yeah, exactly. huh. No, love Sam. Whoever that actor was. Yeah, Corey Haim. So Corey. So the two Corey's this is a Corey film. Corey Haim and Corey Feldman, the one who played the Frog Brothers, the one who was talking like this for some reason.

He is in Stand By Me as well and they did a lot of movies together, the two Koreys in this time when they were like teens sort of. Yeah, very Tiger B-esque. Yeah, and it was very like straight to DVD type releases like some of the time, just like kind of kooky movies. But there are some, you know, pretty decent ones like this and Corey Haim wasn't in Stand By Me. I've still never seen Stand By Me. it's so good. I I know. I've got to jump on. But Corey Haim like died pretty tragically.

when he was like 38, he died of pneumonia. Oh my God. I saw that he died in like 2010. But yeah, he was really bringing it as far as like being expressive and delivering the lines. The 80s sauce. Corey Feldman was kind of pissing me the fuck off though. Why? I was like, why are you using that? No, that's the other one, the frog brother one. That voice.

Because I know how he sounds from having seen him in other movies. That's not how that kid talks. And they usually give him big glasses and he's usually kind of a dorky type. And I thought it would check more to have the two vampire fighting brothers be, they work at a comic store. Like they're gonna be a little dorky. They're not both gonna be like fucking Rambo. He still read me as dorky though. It's like him being in a costume as Rambo. he's really putting it on. Yeah, exactly.

The SWAMP (11:13.07)
I it was just getting on my nerves. It was getting on my nerves. I was like, why didn't the director tell him to cut that shit out? like, the director needs to be like, talk normal. Maybe that's just me though, because I haven't seen any of his other stuff. So I don't know what he normally sounds like. I just thought it was not like reading. I don't know. And I was like, that's crazy that they just let him keep that up the whole time.

really putting it on. It was like Robert Pattinson level of like, we're gonna do a weird voice. Right, but like did not have the chops to entirely put off. The whole big plot twist, spoilers for The Last Boys, is that really the mom's boss at the video store was really the head vampire all along and had been dating her to try to like

get her close so that he could turn them, or get his boys to turn Michael and Sam into vampires so he could convince Diane Weist to be their mother. Very Wendy and the Lost Boys. Now it's all coming together. But that's like at the very end, we think Kiefer Sutherland is like the main vampire, or like the main antagonist. And they're sort of falsely accusing whatever his name is, the video store guy.

They're like falsely accusing him. They make him eat garlic and they whatever but the minute the minute he asks permission to enter the house I'm like, we are way too obviously doing a vampire-ism right now. But I mean, I yeah I was I was watching and it's the whole thing of like is this a red herring or not? Right. So at the end they do pull it. They're like, this is the twist. He's the head vampire and really he was you know telling

Kiefer Sutherland to pursue Michael the whole time. So I'm like, it wasn't gay, but it did feel gay while it was happening. Cause he was like, we need you Michael. We need you. Michael, come with me Michael. It was very that. I guess it was just orders from daddy. No, I was shocked by how much he like looked like his father in this. Do you know what I mean? Well, yeah.

The SWAMP (13:19.342)
Which I mean, he like his father in general, but I think it's just, I don't think I've ever seen a whole lot of Keith for Sutherland. What's his big movies? Oh, I mean, he's also in Stand By Me, younger, and he also plays the antagonist. This was a really big one for him as well, kind of solidifying him in the 80s. And this look in particular is like really iconic. The blonde mullet is like really, that was his thing. He also was in that TV show.

24 for a really long time. was just about like a guy who has to solve a crime within 24 hours or something every day. don't know. It was a really long running TV series. yeah, I don't doubt it. That he was the main guy of. I think that's what people would mostly know Kiefer Sutherland from. a very successful movie in the 80s is what I'm getting though. Because I couldn't place how this would have, I had never, I had barely heard of this movie until you.

I don't think I ever heard of it before you brought it up. Wow, really? I never, I didn't know what this movie was. Wow, that's kind of crazy to me. Yeah. Because I had seen this before. I definitely think this is maybe one that like my parents told me about or just like quintessential 80s culture. And this movie in particular really cemented the vampire category for like teens, like cool teens. Like vampires don't need to be

Dracula, vampires can be cool. And this is sort of the thing that triggered like Buffy the vampire slayer, which then came in the nineties where it's like vampires can present like alt goth people and just trick you and be like, I'm just a cool guy and then become a vampire. Whereas it's like interview with a vampire. You fucking look at Tom Cruise, you're like a vampire. Whereas, you know, now it's like, they can be cool people who assimilate and then use their, you know, vampiric influence to.

socially trick people so then you can get the sort of cool teen aspect of it as well. which how convenient that you can be a half vampire. Right, until you make your first kill, right? That's the rule. Like I think this one took a lot of liberties, I will say.

The SWAMP (15:36.428)
what would like the lore just like what rules do and don't apply. They're like garlic doesn't apply. Entering though, you do gotta do that one. Absolutely, absolutely. But yeah, no, I'm really enjoying my vampire June, honestly. I know I've been in my vampire bag as I said, cause I've been dungeon mastering a campaign that's about vampires. And this actually did make me think it would be really fun to do like an eighties themed vampire campaign because there are.

There are lot of tabletop role-playing games that use the kids on bikes system, which is very much in the 80s. Think like Stranger Things, E.T., that era of 80s. Kids go out to do an adventure and you use that as the basis of your... And then they encounter something strange and now you have to whatever. I'm like that you could do, but make it vampires for like this, the frog.

twins are like kids on bikes but for vampires but in film. Yeah, no, that thing. but this is, so this movie, guess, is gay. We're doing it for gay month more because of like tension or like implications. But I will say that there is a like to stand on because this is directed by Joel Schumacher, who is a gay man. So this movie is directed by a gay man. And so I think those homoerotic moments or those

moments where the vampirism is leaning into that sort of allegory, guess. Joel Schumacher is like, yeah, that was intentional, but we added a bunch of straight shit on top of it so you can't say shit. It was really, yeah. He's like, I made my kind of queer alt punk vampire movie, but then I just put a...

eight minute straight sex scene right at the halfway point. So that y'all can't say shit to me. even a straight sex scene though, because they cut away to like just flying, nature shots as filler. it was so fucking funny. Literally I was wheezing at exactly the halfway point of this movie. They folded the script in half and they said, okay, here's where we're just gonna reel everyone back in so that no one can say it's gay.

The SWAMP (17:45.858)
We can't show anything, so I don't know, the clouds, the mountains. yeah, maybe a Thou shall not fear. They couldn't- Thou shalt not fear. They can't even over- my God, that, I'm like, that happen to people? They can't I guess post-not when you put a nature documentary on, that is so real though. You gotta decompress with some blue planet. You can't even-

Overlap it with some moans though, like audio wise. the, come on. Like, give me something, anything. it was the haunting children's choir for me with the sweeping nature shots to imply the coitus. So funny Joel Schumacher, you get your bag. There was, I don't know, I think there's a lot of things about this movie that was very 80s, but the overlay shots, the amount of

overlay shots in this movie was just amazing. I would say that was the gayest part was the overlay shots. Yes, the editing. Of the pier and the vampires. Michael chugging down this blood and then Kiefer Sutherland just being imposed on and just Michael. it's like six different cuts of his face on top of it. Like just yeah, that's

That's where anything gay happened was in that moment. It was also very, of course, Twilight-y vampires. The glitter? The glitter blood? Iconic came far before anyone was sparkling in the sunlight, honey. They have goopy, black, glittery blood. I'm into it. I'm into it. When it all explodes up through their sewer systems. And the pipes exploding and the house exploding.

sequence they're like okay each vampire is gonna die in a different way and it's just gonna get more and more absurd each time. I did love that. That was fun lore that I enjoyed. were like yeah the vampires die in a crazy way but you never know how it's gonna be. It's gonna be death by stereo. You know they really thought they did something with that one. I'm sure and I'm sure they ate it up in the 80s.

The SWAMP (20:00.576)
It's yes, it's so camp. It's so fun. That's the other thing about this movie is that it's not taking itself too seriously, which is why I can get on board with it. huh. I will say, think pacing wise, this was pretty tough, but that I do like that they made you really wait for the vampire like reveal. Like the very end, because all of the shots were of them like flying, but it's like POV, you're getting snatched. Like you're the one getting snatched by Kiefer Sutherland. Like you don't get to see what he looks like when he's zooming around flying.

You just know that you got got. Exactly. Yeah. He's on you, girl. And there's no getting out the concept of them just like flying around, just like zooming through the air with no wings or anything. Just like being guys. Well, that was my thing. I was like, do they turn into bats? Is that what is implied? The flying? No, because they were snatching full adult people. So I assume it's just keepers other than floating in the air. Yeah, exactly. is world I'd like to We did get a bit of that.

We did get a bit of floating, so I wasn't mad. Right, yeah. But like, think zooming. I wish I saw them zoom a little yeah. You can tell they didn't have the crane in the budget for that. Mm-hmm. But this movie was originally supposed to be about like boys, like way younger teen boys, and it was more of a...

Peter Pan allegory. They were like, we're gonna do Peter Pan with vampires. So it was like Lost Boys. And then Joel Schumacher came in. He's like, I'm gonna direct this, but this needs to be cool and for teens. He's like, this is the audience that I wanna pursue. So we're gonna age them up and do this cool teen thing and make it punk and whatever. And everyone was like, okay. But it works. But it's like, it just like.

He's like, no, look, we're going to do it at this pier. And everyone's like, yeah, wait, this is working. Like, this is, I see the vision. And everyone kind of like got on board and saw the vision. And it did end up being really successful. But the music in particular was incredibly influential because he went to these bands that were really big at the time, specifically like InXS. Of course. like Echo and the Bunnymen, Eddie and the Tide, Mummy Calls, all these like more alt. But InXS was the really big one. He went to them and was like,

The SWAMP (22:11.03)
direct a music video for you if you give me licenses to use your music or you know if you make music for this movie so all these like a cool more alt bands of the late 80s got on board for this movie and then the music supervision in this was so impressive that Andrew Lloyd Webber asks Joel Schumacher to make Phantom of the Opera. my god. And he directs 2004's Phantom of the Opera.

So you can kind of see this through line of like the moody brooding like guy. It's like, you know, it's key for Sutherland. Also the overlay shots. But Joel Schumacher also made Saint Almost Fire, which very popular before this. Yeah. So that popped off. that's why they of trusted him to do whatever because Saint Almost Fire like really rocked. So they were like, okay.

Goth vampires, whatever you say, Joel. Sure. He also, oh my God, he also made that really sweaty lawyer movie, A Time to Kill, with Matthew McConaughey. Shut up. Do you know that one? Oh yeah, it's like famously sweaty. Well, yes. I've never seen it, have you? Oh yeah, yeah, it's really sweaty. It's not really worth watching, in my opinion. It's based off a John Grisham novel, so it's like whatever, crime. Oh yeah, yeah. It's like a movie your dad would put on, I don't know.

But he also made the George Clooney Batman and the Val Kilmer Batman. So if that like checks again with like sort of camp of it all. I do really like the George Clooney ones. So it's like the pieces are coming together now, right? of who this guy was in his sort of style. I'm like, oh yeah, Lost Boys does like fit right in there. Oh, easily. I will say makeup and effects, 80s wise, I was really.

content with, like you said, what was it? All the pipes bursting. It felt like it took a lot to get there, I will say. This one took its time. Yeah, and then it really all blows up at the end, so to speak. It could have been a little shorter. We definitely could have Which it was already like an hour and 40, which. Which yeah, if I'm trimming fat on an hour and 40, I honestly would have liked more character development for either of the women.

The SWAMP (24:27.51)
Like that really fucking pissed me off because Dianne Weist is just like this good doting mother figure, which is fine. And she's so trusting and she's so sweet. And that's why she like is blind to, you all the vampiric evils. And that's why she would be the perfect mother for these boys. I'm like, they're adult men. What do mean they a mother? Like what are you talking about? I don't know. did, okay, did Kiefer Sutherland not like age down once he got killed though? Why did he look like a

freaking 16 year old. Right, I don't know, because the life had been drained out of him. he un-vampired. Yeah, I don't really know. Yeah, he did was giving baby face on the deathbed. So, yeah, so I'm like, were they like younger kids? And like, I don't know, do you age? The vampirism made them goth teens? Yeah, not sure, not sure.

But yeah, and Star was just the living girlfriend. was literally, she was just there so that there was a woman to care about the 10 year old who was just around. Sure. was like a kid vampire. Did they ever say why? No. Did they take him? No. Why did they, like what was the deal with that? No explanation. was just around. And it was sort of like, that's not chill, so the girl will watch him. Exactly. Kind of energy. Just like, what the fuck? And then she's like, Michael, Michael.

But then she's also Kiefer Sutherland's quote unquote girlfriend or property or whatever. it's this weird conflict and then they like fuck and then they're like laying around and they get caught and stuff. And I'm like, what does any of this fucking mean? Nothing. I'm pissed. Who is Star? Why do I care? Give me one fact about her other than that she's a half vampire who hasn't made her first kill yet and is just like eternally submissive to Kiefer Sutherland. Like, fuck off.

Tell me one thing about her. He did that. I mean, there's really no character development in the entire movie. No, not for like, even Michael fully goes through the process of becoming and unbecoming a vampire. And I don't know if he's changed by the end of this. I'm like, okay. Yeah, it's every everything's the same. What did you learn, buddy? I don't know. No, I mean, yeah, out of all of this, my favorite character in the entire film is obviously the grandfather.

The SWAMP (26:39.458)
The dog, Nanook. Nanook, also good, also very good. Yeah, the taxidermy grandpa, and at the end when he's like, always hate the damn vampires or whatever, yeah, real knee slapper. Okay, so did you watch this as a kid though? Because I am interested to see, because this is very like baby face, like kids. I could see this being really influential on a 14 year old. no, I think I was like in college when I saw this for the first time. Okay, that makes sense then.

But I did actually, this is a hashtag, made me embarrassing, but I have read more than one Lost Boys AU fan fiction series. So I've read more than one. Like full, like, you know when you're like reading fan fiction and then the word count and you're like word count and then you like Google how much is a novel and you're like, oh, I did just read a book. Like, oh, yeah, this was 15 chapters. It was a book.

But so Lost Boys Vampire AU, really hot spot for some... Now that AU fan fiction. That I do not doubt. That's like people too. So, oh my God. I love when like you can tell it's written by like... I mean, I feel like... Okay, I haven't read fan fiction since I was probably like 22 or something like that. But like when you can tell it was written by like someone that had the time instead of like... I remember being young and it's like, okay, this is obviously written by horny teens.

You can tell. You can tell the difference when someone has taken the time. No, sometimes a 30 year old woman really pops off and we all benefit. huh. huh. And every now and then they become a book. Yeah, for real. They swap the names around and they get some ugly ass Canva cover and it's all about the figure skater and the hockey player and it's spice.

Hashtag spice. What's the spice level on this one, girls? The discourse is really discoursing. My Twitter timeline yesterday was all just Brian Wilson, rest in peace. Drop your favorite Beach Boys songs in the comments below. Let's talk about the legacy of a genius. And then also discourse about Sabrina Carpenter is what is hers. Is this satire? What are we doing here?

The SWAMP (28:56.948)
Is she allowed to do this? She's making money making horny music. I think she's having fun. I think that's it. Right. And I think that's the brand. And you said the issue was with the improper hair pulling technique. he holding her by the ends of her hair? Dude, it's the root.

Because he's a stupid man. actually is commentary. It is commentary about how men are stupid and don't educate themselves before dipping their toes into something. my god. I was cracking up because I got all this discourse about, know, it's feminist, being submissive isn't inherently anti-feminist, it's discourse, discourse, whatever.

But then I got into the like, are straight women allowed to do puppy play discourse, which was cracking me up because it's called man's best friend, right? And she's on all fours. So it's like, can straight women do puppy play? And I was like, wait, this is the conversation I'm more interested in having. I'm sure some of them do. Oh my God. Why do I feel like? Yeah. Oh, I mean, she's allowed to do whatever she wants to do. Oh, we also both saw the Phoenician scheme. What do you think? I really liked it. I liked it, but I

Didn't love it. It was beautiful, but I don't think it did. This is I said in my letter box. I don't think I had the pizzazz that I needed, honestly, or that I expected almost. I liked it. I thought it was pizzazzy, like to my expectation. will say though, I think it takes me at least two times on Wes Anderson to really form an opinion about it.

because there's always so much going on that I'm just trying to keep up with the viewing. And the dialogue is so snappy. I'm like, also need a subtitle watch. need to watch this with subtitles. Sometimes, like, are you ever at the movies and you just realize you haven't caught, like, the last 30 seconds of dialogue and you're like, I'm really trying to figure out what's going on here. Yes. Yeah. You're like, I was chewing my popcorn and the sound of me chewing was too loud in my own ears for me to hear for a second. And now I don't know where we're at. I thought it was

The SWAMP (31:02.796)
Visually really great. I did like it in that regard, of course. And Michael Cera was a revelation. So fucking good. yeah, saved the whole thing. If there was anything that needed saving, he was just like everything to me. I didn't know that that main actress was Kate Winslet's daughter until you told me that. That kind of checks to me now that I'm like, like, Nepo hire.

who's doing a serviceable job, but now that I know she's a nepo hire, I'm yeah, you didn't really do that much. It was fine. was It was, was okay. I would say it's on the level of Patrick Schwarzenegger in The White Lotus. It was fine. for ranking recent nepo performances? Yes, yes, I didn't watch that one.

Mike White is gonna be on Survivor 50 and that is important to me. So I might have to watch White Lotus before Survivor 50 so that I can be fully up on my Mike White loaded energy. There's no way he can win, but I'm excited to see him on my TV again. chance, but I don't think they would ever let him. No, but I think he made a joke. He's like, I'm going on Survivor because it's the only way I can get a vacation. He's like, I'm going to Fiji for a vacation. I'm like, I'm gonna go play Survivor again. just.

I'm excited. I love seeing Mike White. Yeah. I'll have to tune in even though I'm not a survivor girl. I will be orchestrating an incredibly complex fantasy league with point systems and drinking games and me and my parents get together religiously to watch Survivor. I'm like, I need like a game to play while I'm watching. I need to have a team so can root for people on my team like fantasy league.

I get why people watch football when I watch Survivor. I'm like, I get it. That checks out. want to have a spread of Buffalo Dip and I'm standing up screaming at my TV. Shall we jump in to the regularly scheduled programming? Yeah, I don't see why not. Fuck Mary That's a good fuck Mary Kille, I will say. Should we do like, I feel like it's Kiefer Sutherland Vampire. Michael, question mark, is he an adult? I think he's an adult.

The SWAMP (33:06.734)
I'm gonna go ahead and call that night team. Reasonably. then who is star? Do we do star or do we do Diane Weist? Diane Weist I do we do... Okay. I'm gonna kill her. Really? Put her Okay. No I'm gonna kill Michael. Fuck Michael. exactly. Michael. What is that? There's nothing there. And then I guess I'll fuck Kiefer Sutherland Vampire and I'll marry Diane Weist. Yeah I think that's the right...

I guess that's the way. Actually, I think I'm gonna flip that. I'm gonna... You said you're gonna marry Kiefer Sutherland Vampire? No, I'm gonna fuck Kiefer Sutherland Vampire. Marry Diane Weist, I guess. We can still live with Grandpa and be chilling in that house. That looks like a good life to me. I'm gonna have to agree with you on this. Post-vampire fight, like we're just chilling. I guess. Full cast though, who you fucking?

Yeah, I was gonna say, because that's not like great. I feel like I'm obviously gonna fuck the oiled up saxophone man who was on screen for 30 seconds. That's like obvious stuff. How obvious. And then who am I gonna marry out of all? Do any of the vampires even seem like serviceable? Like, you know what I mean? Are they all just evil? Could any of them be salvageable? Like, could I fix him? know? I, Marco, the one with the really...

fucking insane hair, the curly hair. First of all, can't remember who that actor is, but I know him. But I feel like him, I loved his fucked up hair. Yeah, there was definitely a lot of cool punk aesthetics. I certainly would really be into like dressing up like that to be in their vampire game.

But, Vampire Gang, but I don't wanna like jump off of bridges and shit. No. But I also don't wanna be like Star and be left back at the cave to fucking babysit a 10 year old. obviously don't really respect women. no. So, I don't know. Who am I There's not really a whole lot else. I'm not gonna, who's the main vampire's fucking name? Oh, I don't know, the video store owner?

The SWAMP (35:15.022)
I'm not gonna marry Max and be the mother to the vampires. That's also a trap. So is kind of a horrible lineup. I know maybe I marry the saxophone man. You might have to. I fuck Marco the vampire. That actor's name is Alex Winter, if you care to know. What else was he in? I don't really know. The live action Ben 10 movie, of course. then I'm still gonna kill-

Am I still gonna kill Michael? Maybe. Absolutely, I'm still gonna kill Michael. Yeah. I think I might, I'll still kill Michael. I'll still marry Diana Weist, I guess. Oh, the grandpa. He would be a good one to marry. Oh, yes, yes. I'll marry the Marry the grandpa. Marry the grandpa, kill Michael. Fuck.

The SWAMP (36:08.108)
I guess Marco. Star maybe? Jamie Gertz is hot and I think Star has not been shown a good time by Keith or Southerland. Star. That's for sure. guess. But you and your boys, you and your vampire boys are all hanging out watching your little vampire movie. What are you eating and drinking? Besides blood, I guess.

Blood. I feel like there are two really obvious routes with this one. You can just get Chinese food. Yes, of course. eat the Chinese food out of the box, you know, with the, like, that's a very iconic scene from this movie. The rice and the noodles and the illusion. But that's not very appetizing. Like, I don't really want to be eating that while that's happening. But you could also go Italian because they have the big spaghetti.

dinner scene where they grate the raw garlic on the pasta to try to get max. And so you could just do like a really on fire, like a garlic bread or something to play up on the garlic of it all. But I want to lean more towards the boardwalk vibe because that's where like the food is for me. Right. I want something like grossly fried watching this. The overlay shots of the boardwalk had me like

craving a Mike's Hard Lemonade for some fucking reason. Really, I need to get iced. I need to get iced right now because I'm like at the beach and I need a fried Oreo and I need to get iced, you know? So that's kind of my vibe with this. So I think ideally you have a funnel cake. Ooh, love a funnel cake. That's what I want. A funnel cake and just like whatever your beach like sippable tall boy can of choices, like a Mike's Harder or like a fucking spiked Arnold Palmer.

or just something. Fair enough, fair enough. From a gas station, legit. Honestly, yeah, yeah. You get that shitty Four Loko. Yeah, what about you? I think that this is a pizza movie, for sure. But not even like good pizza. This is a bad pizza movie. You know, I don't know what your chain of choice is, but me, I really love a Papagenos, which I think is very New England. I don't know if that's, I think that's regional.

The SWAMP (38:28.59)
Maybe. It might be a New England thing. Pizza Hut. Oh, fuck a Domino's. think Domino's is disgusting. And that shit is too expensive for what it is. I'm like, why was it? Okay, $10 pizza, then why? And when I'm checking out, it's $30. It was $10, but you charged me extra for the cheese. What the fuck was that about? Where's it adding up? But yeah, no, I think you'd go shitty pizza.

on this, but I do agree with you. I think something like a horrible canned beverage. I feel also like this might be controversial, but I think I like a shitty pizza from a box in the oven better than a shitty pizza from a delivery. Yeah, like you just get like a DiGiorno or a Fraschetta or whatever. I have to agree with you there. That kind of pizza. I think the crust is better, and I'm not even like a crust girl, but that's just me. But yeah, and you could do like, I think they do like spiked Del's Lemonades these days.

That's also regional as fuck what you're saying, I believe. Oh, I'm sure. Del's Lemonade is just a lemonade like, stand chain, but it just makes fire lemonade. I don't have to explain what the word lemonade means to Exactly, I would hope you could figure it out. Mike's Harder Cranberry, 8%. Interesting. Is it 8? I don't know, that be inflation. sounds right. I might be inflating there. No, that's Harder. Yeah, that gives 8%. What was, I was drinking something recently and I was shook at the percentage.

because it was really high. I felt like it was so sippable. So sippable. No, and it was a can. I don't recall. I don't recall. One of those new Sunny D ones or something. That's not even new. That's from- that's fucked up. I'm like, that should be banned the way Juul pilots are. That's like marketing towards children. like the alcohol marketing towards young people is actually really fucked up. Buzz balls. That should not be allowed. God, have you ever had a buzz ball? Absolutely not. Oh, horrific. Yeah.

I remember having them like when they first started popping off. Yeah, never again in my entire life. No, I've been chugging straight cheapest Chardonnay boxed wine since I could drink. Like I have not ever really fucked around too much. Even with the the ices and the like the fruity spiked malt drinks. It's like not even the seltzers. Like I do not like trulies. I don't fuck with white claws. I hate a white claw. I can do a high noon if I had to.

The SWAMP (40:47.982)
That's newer though, that is in the past few years. I'm talking about college drinking, you know what I mean? When you're really canning it, when you have to pick a canned beverage from the gas station. But now it's like, oh my god, yeah. Speaking of targeting the young people though, what is it? The spiked Mountain Dews and shit like that, they have a spiked, what's it? Is that a thing? I mean, they make it.

They have spiked, what are they called? Like Arizona drinks. Ocean spray. yeah. Ocean spray. No way. Yeah, Ocean Spray Cranberry. They have vodka drinks in cans, I believe. course Who doesn't? Every juice brand, you've got to make your boozy. Spread your market share. But what are you... We got to cover the gap. Anyways, what are you going to follow this up with? I think it's obvious. It's a Twilight Jump.

It's a Twilight Jump for me. yeah, cause the glitter blood. That's good. moody. It's not a fart leap. Yeah, moody 80s versus moody 2000s. very funny. What about you? I think it's obvious. So, you know, we're going back Lost Boys fundamentally Peter Pan, Peter Pan, Pirates, Pirates, Treasure Island, Muppets, Treasure Island.

Also, do you hear my cats fighting right I bought them a new rug and it's really riling them up because they love it. Okay, yeah, no, I thought so. The girl at Five Below told me that the prices are gonna go up on rugs because all the tufted, cute little tufted rugs have been selling out so much that they're gonna jack the prices up. So I bought a couple there the other day and she said, you're smart for doing this, the prices are gonna go up. My hot tip for anyone, if you need a runner,

but you don't really care about your spay. Like don't really care if it looks kind of tacky. You just buy a bunch of fucking bath mats and just tie them together and then you have a runner. And that's why my cats are freaking out because they go surfing on the runner. And it's sort of like.

The SWAMP (42:51.4)
Yeah, yeah, they get a running head start and then they jump on the carpet and but then they stop their motion so that they slide sort of that checks out getting really good at it. And I think they've learned that if they do it at the same time that both of their weight that they can really ride it like down the hallway. This is going to be like they've been doing that. Yeah. My downstairs neighbors hate my ass. But three, three like bath mats from five below tie them at the ends. It takes up the whole hallway. Boom.

Shopping tip from me. I love that your cats have a sport now. Yeah, yeah. Well, one of them is like she is medically overweight and they tell us that she should get more exercise. So I think this is good for her. So I kind of let them scream and scramble. You might as well. They're just having fun. You might as well. just fucking around. What did you say for your answer, though? Peter Pan? Oh, Muppet Treasure Island. Muppet Treasure Island. OK, yeah. That checks Let's get Tim Curry in here. I mean, I want to go from

Keep yourself going to Tim Curry. I like that for you. Has Tim Curry ever played a vampire? Probably. guess Dr. Frank-N-Furter is not a vampire, certainly has vampiric energy. that's like more like otherworldly monsteric, monster energy. Yeah. Has Tim Curry been, he should just be Dracula. No one has done that. He should have been Nosferatu. absolutely. Especially in the eighties. my God.

What do you give this out of 10? I'm gonna give it a six. I'm gonna give it a five. She's right down the middle for me. I enjoyed it. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed it. But it was like, it's definitely a bad eighties movie. Sure. I mean, the storytelling is leaving something to be desired for sure. like, we don't need to be spent. don't know what that was. Right. But I was having a good time, so I can't complain. Exactly. I'm not mad about it.

Loved the aesthetics of the whole thing. It was certainly serviceable. As far as gay vampires go though, I'm still gonna rank this below interview as far as both in gayness and just in Watchability, agree, hard agree. we're gonna get on that, what is it, our gay access. Right, yeah, what will it be like though? Like gay to straight or?

The SWAMP (45:14.7)
And then what is the up and down like vampire, Tanon? No. What is the X axis and what is the Y axis is the real question. Gay to straight and horny to sterile. can it? Yeah, because it was gay and sterile and that was interview. And then this is like horny, but not as gay. Okay. Yeah, we are going to get on this.

We'll post this, I don't know, somewhere. We don't post fucking anywhere. This is like, this is literally just like a corner of people in like a library basement who we're yelling to at this point. Love you all. Thank you for being here. to, Happy Pride, continue to tell us your favorite gay vampire stuff or just vampire stuff or just stuff you're into right now. What's good on TV? What are you watching to distract yourself from what's going on? Let me know. I would love a list. I'm almost done with hacks.

upon Emily's suggestion. think I honestly might watch Interview with a Vampire next, but you know, can I kill my next TV show? Goodbye, good night, hope you have a great rest of your week. We'll see you Michael!